We don't even Know We have It

Yesterday while drifting around Front St, Wilmington, NC, I stopped in a hippie-type store to peruse and continue my search for linen or hemp drawstring pants for men. I found amusement in the marketing of the Grateful Dead and Bon Marley paraphernalia. I have felt this way before in these kinds of stores. They have made them out to be demi-gods and forget how simple and humble they were. Bob would have hated being an icon for anything but revolution or uprising I think. In some ways, it is similar to what has happened with Brittany, Lindsay and Paris. I love that I can just write their first names and everybody knows whom I am referring to; it just further illustrates the point.

I was conversing with the young lady working in the shop about unisex pants and the differences in where we need comfort and more space to account for gender body types, curves and such. We have the “such” and women have the curves. Our conversation expanded as we continued to the icons of the Dead, Marley and her experiences touring with Widespread Panic. Of course, our personal experiences were much different due to generational cultural shifts. She was not old enough to experience the Dead as a living, cultural group of icons and the following they commanded. I would not know a Widespread Panic song if given only two choices.

As we got more personal, I shared about being on the road for the past three months and writing. She asked what I was writing and I explained that I a working on a project that may become a book someday. She inquired deeper and I expressed its content being how we try this and that, make all kinds of decisions and mistakes and in spite of ourselves, we come out of it OK for the most part. Reflections on Grace of you will.

She beamed and said she understood; her expression let me know she definitely understood. I asked her if she wanted to share an experience and she said she did. And she did.

She shared how she has a year and a half old girl that she did not plan for and how it is has been incredible for her. She continued on how this has effected her so positively and forced her to be grow up and be more responsible. She shared how surprised she was with the degree of strength she has in being a single mother and all that goes with it. Her affect and voice resonated with that strength, steadiness and maturity that parenthood has brought out in her. The young lady who just ten minutes before did not make eye contact and fidgeted constantly before, disappeared and now an adult woman and mother was standing before me. This is Motherhood to me- strong, courageous and maturity manifesting in front of my eyes on Mothers Day.

She told me her name was Leah and I shared that mine was Michael. Our connection was now constructed through the bridge of sharing our experiences of being human. Being human to me means walking into to enough walls long enough to accidentally find there wall is a door with an amazing sunset over the ocean on the other side. The Inner strength that she spoke about and oozed out of her quietly inspired me, made me stronger. Strength and courage are contagious. I feel fortunate to have “caught” some being in her presence.

This is another example of the exact thing we were sharing together; I walked in the store, amused with my arrogance with the marketing of the Grateful Dead and Bob Marley, whining about not finding the pants I want and then while “bouncing into a wall”, a door opens and the magic happens- Love, Courage, Strength, Birth and Parenting shine out for all to seen and feel. This is the Teaching for me these days; in spite of ourselves and all are efforts, the Divine Presence holds us and gently saves us from ourselves. Something beautiful takes place and we can do things we didn’t even know we could do/with for somebody else.
Wilmington, North Carolina: 5/2008

Thunderstorms

Here in the mountains, folks are always talking about thunderstorms. What they did, do and might do. When and where and stories about past storms weathered.

It is interesting how in different geographic areas and climates, what the metrological buzz is about. In New Jersey, snowstorms in the winter and sometimes hurricanes in the summer. Indiana- tornadoes; Wisconsin- cold, snow, ice and tornadoes; Florida- hurricanes, heart and thunderstorms. And here in North Carolina, it is the storm de jour.
It does not matter whether rain or snow, mild or cold, they are very concerned about storms and their consequences- past, present and future.

Growing up in New Jersey, we never really paid much attention to weather ad its real or imagined concerns. Unless of course, it effected a sports event as spectator or participant. I did not grow up with fear of weather and its hazards. I consider this a blessing. When I am aware of serious weather conditions; I purchase groceries and I am good. I do not sweat this kind of stuff.

It is not that I have not experienced severe weather conditions; Hurricane Georges in Clearwater Florida- we were all forced to evacuate the area. Twice I have been on a boat when an unexpected tornado touched down. There was the time with three of snow and no power for a day and a half at a farmhouse. I hiked solo for six weeks during the summer of 95’ when we the nation was rarely below 95 degrees the whole summer. Bike-riding in Wisconsin in –twenty0-five degree weather. Hurricanes that knocked trees on my home in Indiana. I have done 360s and slid across a four-lane highway on black ice, and my car was crashed into while sitting there unable to move. I was fine; the car was totaled.

Immediately after writing that last line, the power went out here. We scrambled for flashlights and lighter oil lamps. Now things have calmed down. I am writing with pen by lamp oil. If I were motivated, I would get out my calligraphy pen and do this by nip and ink. So, here I am writing on a wood table that is several generations older than I, at a historic lodge in the middle of nowhere by lamp oil. I was told I was like Abe Lincoln; I will not go to theater this evening.

Thunderstorms come in other forms as well. There are the thunderstorms that as humans, we rain upon others. Sometimes, they are expected and we can properly prepare for the damage, other times, they are not expected we get caught in the thunder and lightening with out a raincoat or rubber boots to protect us. It is these kinds of thunderstorms that have been on my mind lately. Mother nature has hers; we have ours.

How can we properly prepare for these kinds of storms? Today, and recently, I have needed to weather some “severe weather:” that someone has been bursting all over the place. The first few times, I shrunk and became small. I was totally unprepared for the flood of rage spilling on anything in its path. After having weathered a few of these storms, (I couldn’t resist) I reacted with anger to protect myself. Unfortunately anger does not come with raincoats and rubber boots and, therefore, was still unprotected.

I am now learning weather human thunderstorms in a different manner, or at least trying. OK, maybe just experimenting at this point. The raincoats and boots I am trying to keep me safe are the same garments that work in life’s other challenges- Prayer, Breathing, Humility and staying grounded in who I am. Thunder, lightening, snow, heat, tornadoes, hurricanes, cold, wind or sleet cannot take that from me. I am Michael.

We do not need to get small,
we do not do anything for anybody by shrinking,
We do not need to lash back,
Thunderstorms do not put out thunderstorms any more than fire puts out fire.
We do not need to bring back whatever memories this brings up for us,
Inner Strength and Courage seem limitless when we need it. Stand tall!
We do not need to be anyone’s doormat,
We can remember whom we are and where we have come form, challenges overcome, and know we are not the problem, cause or root. I am who I am and that is good enough.

I am aware having written this; I have now raised the bar on how I will weather natural or “un-natural” thunderstorms. And with writing and sharing things with others, forces me to step up to the plate, and stopping thinking and talking about a choice and start living it!

I Pray we all weather whatever storms we each experience as calmly and safely as possible. And may my pen and oil lamp shine brightly and strong, so that we may see clearly through the damage caused by these broken power lines. Thunderstorms of any kind are Teachers if we choose to become students.

Beth

We were both attending meetings of the same self-help group. It had been six months since the first time I saw her. I fell for her before she even opened her mouth. She was soft, warm and genuine in her walk and demeanor. When she opened her mouth and spoke, there were no more questions: I would pursue her.

As common for me then and now, I was shy and intimidate by her physical beauty. Besides the obvious challenge of being shy, in my case that meant acting differently than myself around her. This is a self-defeating system; if she likes the way I am acting, then she won’t like me when I am myself. Worse yet, if she doesn’t, she may never get to actually meet the real me. I still live this pattern to a lesser degree today.

So, after six months, all of my friends were sick of me talking but not acting, while adoring and admiring Beth from afar. They pushed and poked me to finally ask her out. It was a Monday night when I made the decision to go for it. I listened to nothing during the meeting; my mind was consumed with fear and doubt. I knew she would say no, I just knew it. Why would she say yes? Beth was talented, smart, popular, fun, genuinely gorgeous, loved by family and friends, good job, finishing school and a joy to be around. Beth was the perfect woman for me.

After the meeting, in noticed she was helping clean up, so I joined the clean-up crew. I was patient as the room cleared. Finally, it was just Beth and I. No more stalling, time to step up! I looked her in the eyes, trembling, and went for it.
“Beth, would you like to go out on a date?” I cringed and braced for the rejection.
She then responded as natural and casual as can be, “Sure”.
I panicked; I never made a plan that included her saying yes.
We then awkwardly made plans to go out a week from next Saturday; she would be out of town the upcoming weekend.

She handed me a piece of stationary that said Expect A Miracle across the top and below she had written Beth followed by her phone number. We said good-bye, hugged and walked out together.
Expect A Miracle, it just happened: Beth said YES.

The following Monday night we had some casual conversation about our weekends and then she said, “Instead of waiting till Saturday, how about we go to the Diner and scoff down some food tonight?” Oh shit, tonight? Now? I was not ready, I did not prepare. “That would be great” I was able to squeak out. We left together in separate cars.

The five-minute ride both took forever and went by in a flash. We walked in together and I was nervous, real nervous. I think she could tell, or maybe not. I was always nervous around her, like all attractive women.

We asst down, talked about food and what to order, followed by meaningless conversation to kill airtime. It was what we needed to do to work through the awkwardness, now that we were on a “date”. Is it like this for everyone?

The food came; we started eating and talking. Fortunately, she did most of the talking.

At some point, I mentally faded out of the conversation and into my head. I remember thinking, “WOW! My life has really changed. I am out with Beth! Beth! She’s gorgeous, intelligent, fun, warm, loving, honest, popular, a good person, everybody loves her, good relationships with her family, good job and going back to school. She is perfect! How did this happen?” Then I faded back into the conversation. I flinched realizing what I had just done. Did she notice? Did I look like an idiot? Then what I heard floored me:

“I’m fat, ugly, no friends, nobody likes me, my family hates me, stupid, failing school, worthless job and I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately.”

What did I just here? I quickly switched out of my own head to Beth and her needs. We talked for several hours, till she felt better. We hugged, said good-bye and walked out together again.

My ride home was filled with questions, lots of questions. The one that was the loudest and most forceful was, “If Beth is so attractive and she thinks she is fat and ugly, maybe I am not ugly. Maybe I have been wrong all these years. Maybe.”

When I arrived home, I skipped telling everyone about my night with Beth; I scurried directly to my room. I took off my clothes and looked into the mirror. And there it was. I wasn’t ugly. I did not make the leap to good-looking. Not ugly was a huge step for me. That was the last time I ever saw myself as ugly. I have been either somewhere from average to good-looking since.

Besides opening my eyes to the fact that I was not ugly, I learned a valuable lesson. Our inner chatter can lie, and usually for the worse. We buy the lies because we don’t accept the evidence that contradicts these negative voices. We create a self-image that may not resemble the Truth even remotely. We live a lie; not even knowing it is based on nothing but fear and deception. I actually got better looking from that night further. It was not just my perception that had changed, but my face, body and presentation of self were now altered by that perception. And from these physical changes, women found me more attractive. Their attraction provided evidence to support my newfound appreciation of my looks. The relationship between the inner, outer and interactions with women now all fed each other. The ugly guy became the average guy that grew into the above average guy. In fact, the ego started inserting a new lie, “You are the best looking guy”. This phase did not last long. It eventually landed at where I am typically today; I am not ugly, nor a model- I am somewhere from average to above average, AND THAT IS OK. The same ego that lies and tells us we are ugly will then lie and tell us we are “it”.

Humility is being right size- not too big, not too small. I wonder if any of this would have manifested if Beth didn’t share her self-loathing and suicidal thoughts that night? Would I still be walking around thinking I was an ugly guy?

As for Beth, she needed time and space to get her self back together. I eventually introduced her to a friend; they fell in love and got married. They were perfect for each other. We stayed in touch for a while. I am still grateful for Beth and that night she altered my perception forever. Thank you Beth…