Oscar the Janitor

I started working for the Urban League of Greater Madison in October of 2003. The first project I worked on and the whole four plus years I worker there, was at a middle school here in Madison, Wisconsin.

After being at the school for a little while, I noticed one of the janitors. His name is Oscar and he is a beautiful man from Costa Rico. He has a dark complexion for a Costa Rican with a graying beard and sideburns and short wavy balding hair. He typically wears t-shirts with bright colors. His brown eyes are full and deep. He moved to the states many years ago as an adult. He is friendly in such a warm and genuine manner that it is hard not to want to be around him. To be honest, his smile beams greater than almost anyone I have ever seen. It radiates out to fill up the whole hallway while having casual conversation. He always has a minute to engage in brief interactions; every one of them is filled with all his presence and sweetness.

One day, some of the boys were making fun of Oscar but he paid no mind while they laughed and teased him about “being just a janitor”. One of my co-workers pulled the boys into our room and shut the door. I was new to the scene, but knew what that meant. Arthur and Barry, the two guys I share space with, shut the door when they want to say things that would get them fired with the door open. He explained to the boys how disrespectful and rude it was to speak to a janitor like that. One of the boys made a comment like "Yeah, but he is just a janitor!" Then Arthur shared with the boys (and me) about Oscar:

Oscar had been a high level corporate executive, a real mover and shaker. He owns several expensive cars and retired early after accumulating more wealth than needed. After retiring, he wanted to be around kids but did not want to have the responsibility for them. So, he chose to be a school janitor.

My mentor has an expression that I hold close to me. She talks about "hiding in plain site". By this, she means being out in the world but drawing no special attention to yourself- being present without being noticed. Oscar is a master at hiding in plain site. He cleans the classrooms and bathrooms with such ease and grace. He moves his boom box with him down the halls after-school, while listening to the local Spanish station, La Movida. He never stresses or looks bothered by the mess the kids make. You would never even know he can read or write by how simply he carries himself, forget about being a high powered corporate executive.

I hope sometime in my life I smile once as brightly and beautifully, as he does daily while cleaning school hallways, classrooms and bathrooms. My mentor has recommended to me many times over the last 15+ years that being a night janitor would be an excellent job for me- working with my hands, simple, focused, no drama and do something for people who never know you do it for them. I am still too attached to being important to make that leap yet. It is not that I do not see the benefit for me, I do. It is just the ego is still firmly in control of this man.

The Truth is that his smile has its source in him, not in his moisturizer, shower gel or "age defying cream". Peace, Joy and Love are the original beauty secrets (and much cheaper too). For those who want another more practical resource Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps. Their quote is " Enjoy only 2 cosmetics, enough sleep & Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap to clean body-mind-soul-spirit instantly uniting ONE! All-One!" They are the only the only products I use on a regular basis. It is Oscar's Inner smile that brightens the hallways. It is his willingness to give without need for thanks or recognition that shines for us to see if we look. I have run into Oscar several times out while he is walking his two really cool, unusual dogs, and that same presence and peace is still there.

Happiness and the willingness to share it with others is the secret to staying, feeling and looking young. I am grateful I have had a janitor like Oscar in my life to remind me of how this all works.

My friend Oscar The Janitor.

Exposed

“So, what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“You asked me to come and meet you at nearly midnight and you look awful.” He looks directly into her eyes intently, “So, what’s wrong?”

She flinches and sits back in the wooden chair in the back room of Soma Coffeehouse. “You really are intense aren’t you? No small talk, no how is work or anything, just ‘So, what’s wrong?’ She says mimicking him and what she thinks is austere facial and body expressions. “Fine. I am miserable, are you happy?”

“Why on earth would I be happy about you being miserable? OK, so what’s going on lately? Have you been practicing Reiki, Yoga, meditation? What have you been eating and drinking? Let’s start with the basics and we can go from there.”

She sighs heavily and Miho notices her hesitation and her face drooping with shame. He decides that they need to go another route, Natalie is not ready to jump right in. “Natalie, how about we take a moment to do some breathing and get connected to the Reiki lineage. Maybe that will get us both in a place where we can move forward without the ego and emotions in the way.”

“Thanks Miho. I am mess and really need some help. What should I do?”

“Let’s just take a few deep breathes, relax and let our brain rhythms slow down a bit.” They both close their eyes while sitting in a public coffee house and take some deep breathes, hers are deeper and heavier than his. His are gentle; hers are weighted and carry a lifetime of exhaustion in each breath. He notices her relaxing just enough to move forward, “Now. Ask to connect to the Usui Reiki lineage. Let the lineage strengthen you and get you aligned. Feel the lineage and its Presence fill you up. Allow Reiki to expand in you and become you. Ask the Higher Self to be present, in charge of you and this whole process. Just your Higher Self and mine connecting and working together. No more Miho or Natalie, just the Higher Selves doing their thing. When you feel it, slowly open your eyes enough to see but not enough to let the whole world in. Take your time, we do not want to force or manufacture anything. Reiki is about genuine experiences and no pretending or letting imaginations have a field day with us.” She barely opens her eyes enough to see out and make eye contact with Miho. They both share a gentle and unintended smile. “How are you doing?”

She smiles softly and barely moves her lips to speak, her voice is still, gentle and without any of the drama and attitude that was present just a few minutes ago. Her face has a nice blush tone to it and her eyes are clear. “I feel good. It is the first time I have really felt Reiki in a while, too long. Miho, I need to get back to where I was just a few months ago. I miss feeling this way, being this way and being of service to others. I have become very self-centered, selfish and fragmented. What happened?”

“It feels good to see you this way again. This other Natalie is not needed or helpful to you or anybody else. The real Natalie is calm, focused, committed and cares deeply for others and their well being. You are needed Natalie and we need you to do what your Higher Self signed up for you to do.” He slows down even more, “You can’t do this if you are all caught up in your personal dramas and letting the ego run your life. Why have you been so fragmented?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do. There are no victims here and you have been trained in inner discernment through Reiki. Why are you so fragmented? Can you feel your body?”

“Yes, I can now. I have not felt my body in a while.” A small but visual hesitation before she continues allows her to slow down, “I have been doing some things I didn’t used to do when I felt connected and grounded. For one, I have started drinking coffee again in the morning and sometimes at night when out with friends. Of course, now I don’t sleep as well either. Which makes me want to drink coffee the next morning even more. Miho, my life is moving so fast these days, I never stop to slow down and barely do any Reiki or meditation in the mornings anymore. I have not been to the Yoga studio since May and my body is cramping and stiff a lot. There is very little energy flow and I feel it.”

“I am not surprised, caffeine pokes holes in the energy field and allows all kinds of stuff to latch onto us. I experience the same thing with sugar products, I get wired, anxiety, ungrounded and my field becomes like Swiss cheese. Who knows who and what I drag home with me after some ice cream and a cup of coffee?”

“OK, so I have been eating a lot of sugar too. And, when my friends and me go out, I drink a couple of glasses of wine. I rarely get drunk so I convince myself it is OK. What is the big deal right? If everybody else can, why can’t I? Of course, I know better. I have worked with enough folks to see just how dramatic alcohol in the bloodstream does to the energy field, digestion and mood. Then, the next morning, I need coffee to get started and some sweats to eat so I can get going. No wonder I don’t sleep anymore. That is another thing. Since adding all this stuff back into my life, my dreams have changed dramatically, they are darker too. I have gone from Reiki Teaching dreams to dreams filled with violent sex, fighting with everybody and I feel like the whole world is in bed with me now while sleeping. I can feel everybody’s thoughts and emotions, as if I am connected right to them.”

“Well you are! That is what happens when we let our field get open like that. And you are right, you do know better. I do too, but every now and then I convince myself like you that I can do it, somehow it will be different this time. And we actually buy this crap and ignore the Inner Voice that knows where it will lead us. I am so glad that I have been away form that stuff for a while now. Sleep is better and I don’t have that feeling like being spaghetti with all kinds of cords knotted and twisted inside of me from every person I come in contact with. The good news is that Reiki can help you get back to being Natalie again. But like everything else, it is not free. You will need to recommit yourself to doing your work. You are needed and matter. We have work to do and don’t have time to keep buying the crap that the ego sells us. We have to let the Higher Self be in charge and stop playing all these games.” He pauses long enough to make sure they have solid eye contact, “Are you ready to do your work, or do you still want to play around?”

Natalie’s eyes and focus are still and unwavering. She does not move anything in her body, as if she is sleeping while completely alert and aware of what is going on inside and outside of her. Her strength and courage are visible in her face, posture and tone, “Yes I am ready. I want to be of service again. I miss being me and the way I feel when connected up with Reiki. What do I have to do?” Natalie’s voice is steady and firm.

“You just did it. Remember, what we say and do matters. They are not just words and thoughts. They are real and hold an imprint. Everything we think and feel affects others. We are all connected and we all need to do out part, even though it may seem small or irrelevant, it natters. We matter.” Miho reaches across the Maple table and takes Natalie’s hands in his. His gaze does not budge, nor does hers. They stay locked in this moment for what seems like all of time but in linear time, just a moment. That is all it took, just that moment of connection and acknowledgement. What else is needed?

Exiting

Time to go
Escape leaving no footprint
That first step
No looking back
The decision
An opening
The Doorway
Passing the threshold
No more
Enough
Not enough
Too much
Too little
The Female Form
Entering
The joy and the ecstasy
Revived
Temptation
Retribution
The Amityville Horror
Tiptoe the Fuck out!
A clean get-away
No regret
No remorse
No visitors
No more hiding
Exposure
Extension
Exhalation
Existence
Exit

We don't even Know We have It

Yesterday while drifting around Front St, Wilmington, NC, I stopped in a hippie-type store to peruse and continue my search for linen or hemp drawstring pants for men. I found amusement in the marketing of the Grateful Dead and Bon Marley paraphernalia. I have felt this way before in these kinds of stores. They have made them out to be demi-gods and forget how simple and humble they were. Bob would have hated being an icon for anything but revolution or uprising I think. In some ways, it is similar to what has happened with Brittany, Lindsay and Paris. I love that I can just write their first names and everybody knows whom I am referring to; it just further illustrates the point.

I was conversing with the young lady working in the shop about unisex pants and the differences in where we need comfort and more space to account for gender body types, curves and such. We have the “such” and women have the curves. Our conversation expanded as we continued to the icons of the Dead, Marley and her experiences touring with Widespread Panic. Of course, our personal experiences were much different due to generational cultural shifts. She was not old enough to experience the Dead as a living, cultural group of icons and the following they commanded. I would not know a Widespread Panic song if given only two choices.

As we got more personal, I shared about being on the road for the past three months and writing. She asked what I was writing and I explained that I a working on a project that may become a book someday. She inquired deeper and I expressed its content being how we try this and that, make all kinds of decisions and mistakes and in spite of ourselves, we come out of it OK for the most part. Reflections on Grace of you will.

She beamed and said she understood; her expression let me know she definitely understood. I asked her if she wanted to share an experience and she said she did. And she did.

She shared how she has a year and a half old girl that she did not plan for and how it is has been incredible for her. She continued on how this has effected her so positively and forced her to be grow up and be more responsible. She shared how surprised she was with the degree of strength she has in being a single mother and all that goes with it. Her affect and voice resonated with that strength, steadiness and maturity that parenthood has brought out in her. The young lady who just ten minutes before did not make eye contact and fidgeted constantly before, disappeared and now an adult woman and mother was standing before me. This is Motherhood to me- strong, courageous and maturity manifesting in front of my eyes on Mothers Day.

She told me her name was Leah and I shared that mine was Michael. Our connection was now constructed through the bridge of sharing our experiences of being human. Being human to me means walking into to enough walls long enough to accidentally find there wall is a door with an amazing sunset over the ocean on the other side. The Inner strength that she spoke about and oozed out of her quietly inspired me, made me stronger. Strength and courage are contagious. I feel fortunate to have “caught” some being in her presence.

This is another example of the exact thing we were sharing together; I walked in the store, amused with my arrogance with the marketing of the Grateful Dead and Bob Marley, whining about not finding the pants I want and then while “bouncing into a wall”, a door opens and the magic happens- Love, Courage, Strength, Birth and Parenting shine out for all to seen and feel. This is the Teaching for me these days; in spite of ourselves and all are efforts, the Divine Presence holds us and gently saves us from ourselves. Something beautiful takes place and we can do things we didn’t even know we could do/with for somebody else.
Wilmington, North Carolina: 5/2008

Nineteen Years

Release, relief, retreat
Free, see, me
Clean, serene, nineteen
Today, pray, a way
Serve, nerve, deserve
Walk, talk, balk
Meditate, radiate, navigate
Reiki, Napki, a new key
Create, relate, retrait
Years, fears, dears
God, Yod, a rod
Now, wow, bow
One, fun and done

A Snapshot of A Moment

Raw. Juicy. Marooned and purple. Bruises up and down her upper arms.

She was still sleeping from the night before. Cuddling and clutching her favorite little lavender and magenta flowered pillow and semi-curled up like a little child. It is hard to imagine this beautiful, peaceful and sweet-looking woman could also be that other woman last night, and those other nights. Was it just a nightmare or did it really happen? Hummm. The bruises tell him it did really happen.

He is trying to hard to remember exactly how she got the bruises just above her elbows all the way up to her shoulders on both sides. He starts to recall some of the events of the night before and the other ones he has forcefully denied in his mind till now. She always says it is not important how she gets the bruises and who did what. Of course, she doesn’t want anyone to point the microscope anywhere near her, especially not for this. But he needs to know what happened and what he is responsible for. How else can he correct his mistakes if he doesn’t know what they are?



“But I love you!” he said to her right splat in the middle of their worst fight yet. “I really do!” His face squished up tightly and his arms flailing about as he cried and managed to get this words out almost coherently.

She shook her head in disgust, almost laughing and pitying his lack of spine. “Is he actually a man or a teenage girl?” she asks herself. Then she opens her mouth slowly and speaks slowly and carefully making certain he will hear every word and again firmly states to him the same words she knows will always make him break, “I knew the first time I met you that were the wrong man for me.” She hesitates and then continues even slower, “I don’t love you and never have, never will. This has been the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. You are not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with! No, definitely not you.” Shaking her head again, she then pulls her right leg back and BAM! She kicks him right smack in the belly!

He swallows hard and gasps for air to breath, coughs a couple of times and just sits there with no affect or response. It has happened enough times now that he doesn’t even react when she kicks him like that anymore. She sees this and appears disturbed. She cocks her right arm back and punches him with a half-closed fist in the middle of his chest firmly, just like his older brother did when he was a little boy. He flinches. She almost smiles and does it again and then again and then a fourth time! He cannot control the tears any longer that are streaming down his red cheeks. She notices this opening in his fortress and scratches him with her barely painted red nails on his biceps and chest. That was the breaking point. She finally got a reaction from him. She always said that the only way you can find out if a man loves you or not is by how mad he gets during an fight. “Good he loves me.” She thinks silently.

He grabs her and quickly pushes her onto her back across the white couch covered with a soft white blanket that she claims as her bed. He is holding her down by her biceps with both hands with all his strength. Adrenalin makes holding her down easier but she somehow finds a way to buck and try to kick him in his testicles with her legs under his body. He shifts his weight and she can no longer move her legs or arms. She is trying but he is bigger and stronger than her while reliving the terrors of his childhood at this very second on this couch with the girl he adores, just like he did with his brother David when they were kids. He adored him just as much, if not more.

She starts yelling fiercely, “ I never loved you! I never loved you! I never loved you!”

He raises his right arm above his shoulder and makes a very tight fist. He can feel the veins popping out in his forearm, his heart pounding inside him and the sweat in his hand hovering above her.

She stops fighting back and goes limp. He is ready to show her who is boss around here once and for all. No more sensitive-New-Age-guy-routine for him. Nope, time to take care of business. He cocks his arm back a little bit farther and then BANG! It hits him like a ton of bricks across his head.

“I am not about to become one of those guys!” He releases his fist and lets go of her arm all at once and then gently climbs off her without saying a word or even looking back at her as he walks slowly into the bedroom. “No. I am not one of those guys.” He says in his mind and wonders if he said it out loud too, changes direction and walks out of their apartment.


He is still watching her sleep. His fiancé’, and the woman he let himself really fall in love with. The only one he asked to marry him. The only one he stayed with after the first signs of trouble. Her breathing is so soft, just like her voice and the skin on her hands when they are holding hands in prayer before every meal together.

There will be no more meals together, holding hands in prayer or her soft voice and radiant smile. He is finally going to leave her.

“Mark, what the hell are you doing still with her?” Terry asks as if Mark has just about lost his mind. He said this to him on the basketball court while shooting hoops together minutes before the Friday night men’s A.A. meeting that is both of their home group. “Are you nuts? You know better. You are a counselor and you know better. What are doing?”


“Yeah, I do know better.” He sighs before walking into the bedroom to begin packing his stuff. He looks back at her one more time wanting to hold this version of her in his mind as a snapshot of her and of them, for when he walks out that door for good in just a few moments.

She stirs and awakens. In her soft gentle voice she asks him, “What are you doing?” As if nothing happened last night, or any of the nights. She has the benefit of a finely tuned selective-memory system. It is has helped her survive through everything that she experienced in the last thirty-four years. He does not have the luxury of such blackouts. She continues to stare at him inquisitively.

“Yep, time to go.” He says to himself, “definitely time to go.”