Michael = Dog?

Anna is one of my favorite students. She is in second grade and just adorable and beats up most of the boys in our class as a bonus. She has black hair like everyone else here, brown eyes like everyone else here but hers are deeper, darker and rounder than most. Her full cheeks with that soft, silky Korean skin is just unavoidable for a quick, gentle caress every time I see her when she is done walking with me with her little hand inside mine. Anna is very affectionate and loves to be loved. Fortunately, I love loving her, so we get along well.

Today while waiting for her classmates to get to class, she was holding my hand, well actually my wrist and looking up at me with those wondrous eyes and dimpled smile. I was lost in her world when I noticed there was someone petting me, yes petting my forearm and I came back to earth and my classroom. It was Anna stroking and petting the hair on my arms. She again looked back up at me this time with wonder in her eyes and said in her best English, “Michael, dog?” and she pointed to my arm hair and then to my chest. Translation for the non-EFL teachers of the world: “Michael you have hair on your arms, are you a dog?”

I laughed half-heartedly and smiled at my precious little angel who somehow made calling me a dog sound sweet. Second graders can get away with stuff like that but adults get the Jersey/NYC stare when they venture into making comments of that sort.

I still get startled at the fact that most Koreans, both children and adults have never touched a human being with body hair or facial hair. It startles me. I grew up in an Italian family and amongst Italians, chest hair and facial hair are signs of virility. In fact, you are not really considered a man until you have chest hair. I faired well in that department. The other symbol of Italian manhood is not as easy to see, but we will leave that one alone for now. The idea that men can be men and not have hair on their chests, face and arms is beyond my mental capacity to understand. When I am lazy and do not shave, the next day almost every young one will come and rub my stubble. It occurs to me that they may have never felt a man’s facial hair as stiff as mine, another fact that baffles me and my social programming.

While on a roll about my social programming, bodies and cultural differences, I might as well dive into the women. Wait, that did not come out right. What I meant to say was I would like to explore the different bodies of Korean and Western women. OK, that didn’t work either but I think you get the point! I was here almost a month before I realized that the majority of females in Korea are not teenagers! Korean women have very slight frames and bones. It is of the highest importance for a woman in Korea to be skinny. I mean skinny, not thin or athletic. Typically, their bodies remind me of the standard American eighth grade girl in girth, bone structure, weight and size of butt and breasts. Even when pregnant, Korean women are less voluptuous then the American college girl on a diet. And I am speaking of American White girls, not Blacks or Latinas. Their butts are smaller then most pre-pubescent American girls, often with even skinnier legs. If thin is in, then Korean women are it but if curves are what shake your nerves, head east in a hurry! Again, I grew up around Italian women and the physical features that define her as a woman are her curves coming and going.

It has taken me a while to adjust my personal definitions of what is considered attractive, sexy and mature here in Korea. I am not sure I would ever adapt completely from the social and familial programming that is seated deep in this curious mind. But I am curious about what the skin feels like, I cannot lie. Koreans have the smoothest, silkiest skin on this planet. It almost doesn’t feel real. I have a friend in the states who is half Korean and I call her Silky Pants (she calls me Jerk Face for the record) and she warned about how the whole country has skin like hers. I did not believe her, I am a believer now. At times, I reflect on wanting to have a one-night stand or something similar just to touch, caress and lay next to such soft smooth skin. My Inner-Slut has a field day with these kinds of thoughts. But generally, return to my prudish ways and go about my business while trying not to gawk at an occasional woman that I cannot tell if she is twelve or twenty-eight- their bodies, faces, skin and clothes are almost identical. I blush when I realize they are a child and lower my head in shame.

The lessons and education continue for me here in Korea. I am starting to pay attention again to my surroundings knowing that my time here is limited. So the young ones will have to find another man to pet and call dog, and I will have to hold the hands of somebody else’s children with skin more course and a lot less bowing. In the mean time, Michael Dog will try to not smirk at the idea of being a man without chest and facial hairs and being a woman without curves. The programming is deep, like the center of an old Oak Tree. And like an Oak Tree, they don’t die easily.

Seven Years Ago

Seven Years Ago

It was a Saturday morning. We had my mom’s special Italian eggs with peepers and onions with some steak fries on the side for brunch, delicious as usual. We were going to visit a new place my mom had heard about named Peddlers Village in New Hope Pennsylvania. I was ten years old at the time and like on most of our road trips, I was asked to take out the map and navigate our way there. Mind you I do not think I had been to Pennsylvania yet in my life but my mom always treated me as a person, not a little helpless child that needed to be coddled and bundled up in the winter and frozen solid with air conditioning in the summer. This day was perfect- sunny 70 something degrees and the sky was clear; no need to bundle up or crank the air conditioner in the car. We drove her old Chevy Impala with the windows open, which made map reading a challenge but there were enough traffic lights to work it out.

We spent the afternoon walking around and munching on fresh-made kettle Peanut Brittle. The little shops and snack bars were fun, we felt like we were in a different time and place. This was before New Hope became a tourist trap for New Agers and Peddlers Village turned into pseudo-Amish Village. We had a great day. We ate some dinner there before heading back. I think we had some kind of special meat sandwich on fresh marble rye. On the way home, I bailed on my navigators duties and fell asleep for most of Route 206 but woke up by the time she needed an update. We stopped at the locally owned Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream down the street from our home and I got Jamoca my favorite. These are the kinds of days that I think about when I think of my mom. There were many that were nothing like this but these carry most the most strength for me.

It was seven years ago today that her body had had enough. It was a Monday around noontime. I had been back in jersey and trying to support my mom during her final half year. I worked and lived at 300 hundred year old former Inn that was a renovated restaurant that a buddy was the chef and manager. He started chemo and radiation for throat cancer while my mom was eroding away from the cancer that started when I was just a little older than that day at Peddlers Village. She had fought that thing for about thirty years! Enough was enough. I was helping this attractive wealthy woman when the call came: it was my Cousin Jackie. She didn’t have to say a word; her tears and energy told the story that I already knew the ending six months earlier. The doctors said she had several years, “She is a fighter!” her oncologist said. I knew in my belly it was time to stop fighting; the fight was over.

During those last few months, the memory of my mom was hard to bring to focus. She had lost most of her memory and faculties due to the large quantities of morphine being dripped into her system. When I was sitting next to her, she would say, “You know my son Michael is on the phone. He moved all the way to New Jersey just to stay with me. He is such a great kid. They all say he is selfish and doesn’t care about his family but he walks five to ten miles every time he comes to see me. That’s my son Michael, never the easy way but he stands for what he believes.” She would dose off. The next day I would be on the phone with her, “You know my son Michael walked all day in the rain and wind to come see me today? He is such a good-looking guy. I feel so bad he has never gotten married but we always knew, even when he was a kid that he would never marry. He was always so determined to do what he needed to do. Nobody ever could tell him what to do. Not my Michael. I wish he had married a nice girl though, somebody to take care of him. Such a shame. He works so hard with those messed up kids in Wisconsin or wherever he lives. He is so good with them but he still needs a woman to help him out. He gets lonely even though he says he doesn't. I am his mother and I know. Ok, I better get off the phone, I do not want to keep him waiting after walking all that way.”

About a month before she passed, I brought my two nephews and their mother, my brother’s widow, to see her. They had not seen her much since she had regressed so much. She did not know who they were. She raised them and didn’t know who they were. They cried. I did worse. To see these boys witness my mom, their Gramma like that was devastating to me. Still is. They did not see her again after that night.

Tonight I lit a candle for her. I prayed for her and thanked her. Most of what is good about me came from her. It took many years to come to the surface but it clearly has her stamp on it. She was the fighter that showed me how to fight. She was the cook that demonstrated food as love to be shared and cherished. She was the one who let me know I am worth it so I can do that with for others. She was the one who loved me during the Hell years and the aftermath that followed, giving me hope that I would again be lovable some day. I am.

I miss her. More than I let myself know or feel. Too painful. I pretend I am Ok because it is the only thing I know how to do. I miss her. I miss her.

Mom. I miss you. They do too. You are not forgotten. Never will be. Thank you for being my mom. I love you.

Your son Michael

TV Dinners

“Mom. Why can’t we have TV dinners like everybody else? Are they too expensive?” David asked in his typical demanding manners that never really felt like a question.

“Yeah. Why can’t we have TV dinners mom?” I was only eleven but was q quick learner; if it worked for David for fifteen years, why not try it myself?

Her face turned red, her head tilted a little like it does when she doesn’t like the conversation or people. This time it was the conversation. “Because they’re no good, that’s why.”

“But we want them! Why can’t we have them just once to try them?” Again he used the question that was a demand more than a question. “Just one time and then we won’t ask again.” Not remembering when “we” became a “we” in this plan of his but I sat there silent to see if it would work.

Mom hesitated for a moment. Her face got redder, her forehead got all squished up and she was shrugging her shoulders, “OK. You want TV diners, we’ll have TV dinners tomorrow night for supper.”

“YAY!” We both yelled in harmony.

Thanks mom,” I said as David walked away with that smirk he has after successfully bullying somebody, especially adults.

All day in school all I could think about was having TV dinners tonight. What are TV dinners I wondered? Do you eat them while watching TV? Why would anybody want to eat while watching TV? Do you eat them differently than regular food?

When it started getting dark, I stopped playing kickball at the cul-de-sac at the bottom of Berkeley Terrace with my friends to see what a TV dinner looked like. I had already three times seen commercials on TV about them, since I really only watch Saturday morning cartoons on TV, three times was a lot. And, we were going to have one for dinner tonight.

I threw open the front door, ran up the steps through the living room to the kitchen and asked out of breathe, “Are the TV dinners done yet mom?”

“Don’t run through the living room, use the steps from the hallway! David will be home any minute and the TV dinners are almost done. Go wash your hands and set up the den for dinner.”

I ran down the hallway steps to the bathroom on the right past the laundry room before the den and washed my hands. I noticed the only book we ever had in the bathroom was Race Riots, which was jokes about everybody from Micks to Spics, whatever that meant. I ran back up the steps to the kitchen and asked, “How do you get ready to eat TV dinners in the den mom?”

She handed me three plastic trays with cups, forks, knifes and spoons for the three of us. I guess dad isn’t coming home for dinner again tonight, too bad he’ll miss out on TV dinners. I slowly walk down the steps to not drop and break anything and through the hallway to the den with the colorful, shag flowered carpet and black leather couch. We had a color TV, so the TV dinners will probably even taste better than when we had just a black and white TV.

David came barreling through the front door slamming it as he ran up the living room steps to the kitchen and again my mom yells, “David, don’t go through the living room to the kitchen, use the hallway steps!”

“Are the TV dinners done yet?” not even acknowledging mom spoke.

“Yes, we were just waiting for you.” She opens the door to the oven with both of us staring wide-eyed, grabs her oven pads and takes out these little bendable metal trays with three little compartments that separated the Eggplant Parmigiana from the Linguine with Marinara Sauce and applesauce in the left hand corner compartment. “Go get the three trays your brother left in the den and bring them back with you, hurry.”

David was back in a jiffy. We each carried our own TV dinner down to the den and sat on the black leather couch that had the Afghan my mother crotched last winter. We were so excited we didn’t even notice the TV wasn’t on for our TV dinner. My mom turned on the TV with its cool remote control device she held in her hand that was able to turn the TV on and off, and change channels without even getting up. She put on the evening news with Walter Cronkite on CBS but we didn’t care because we were eating our TV dinners. After a few minutes, I noticed that our TV dinner was identical to what we ate last night and most nights in our home. Eventually David got mom to confess that she borrowed the little metal trays from The Graifmans and just put last night’s leftovers in the three little compartments and heated them up in the oven. “I just can’t feed my children frozen TV dinners!” she said.

Like with everything and everybody else in life then and till the day he died in 1997, David wore her out and she gave in and bought “real” TV dinners for us the next night. We had Swanson Hungry Man Turkey Dinner with dried out turkey with a boring gravy, fake mashed potatoes and awful peach cobbler. They sucked. We all went up to the kitchen, threw them in the garbage and raided the fridge for some Rigatoni in the white Corner Ware dish and my mom made some fresh salad in the big dark brown wooden bowl we always ate salad in.

It turned out David was telling the truth when he said if she would let us try them once we would never ask again, we didn’t. But my mom wanted us to feel like we were like the other kids in the neighborhood, so she would make a real meal in the soft metal trays with three little compartments about once a week and eat in front of the TV in the den together as a family. It was the only time we didn’t talk, laugh and have fun during dinner in my family because the TV was on.

She filled up the big downstairs freezer with these TV dinners for “Whenever I am too busy or tired to make a fresh dinner.” They lasted in that freezer for quite a while until my mom got breast cancer, whatever “cancer” was and my grandmother stayed with us while she was in the hospital getting “chemo”. My mom wanted to be sure we still had her food even while she was on the verge of death herself. My grandmother used to walk around complaining, “I don’t know why your mother wasted all that time making you kids these frozen dinners when I can make you dinner myself.” That was my mom, always seeing dinner as how you show and share love. It worked